Chapter 14 -I stole my sister’s boyfriend. It was all whirlwind heat, and flash. Within a week we killed my parents and hit the road.

What rhymes with disappointment? Calligraphy? Chocolate? I couldn’t find anything, while showering, that I could rhyme disappointment with.

Not that I am much of a rhymer, which is why I love haikus so much. They are so fucking simple.

Maybe I don’t get haikus, maybe I am missing the fine, delicateness that is a haiku.

But seriously, it just seems like another, rigid, incredibly formal and unchangeable art form from Japan. “This is how you write a poem. No other way!” It seems strangling, at best.

But it is so easy to do. So fucking easy. I am not a poet, except in the way I come up with new and wonderfully inventive ways to insult people. That is my calling, my art… but enough of that.

Five beats, the first line
And then seven in the next,
Repeat: five again.

Flor those aficionados out there thinking or blogging “that’s a shit haiku, you are missing the subtle art…” Shut up! Fuck off. I’m not a moron, I get there is a wonderful skill to write a haiku, but I think it’s restriction is it's downfall. You need to confine yourself so much, limit yourself to one standard size canvas, one woman (ha!). But then, sure you master it and it’s a wonderful (that word again, twice in two sentences) poem, but how dull.

And how fucking pretentious, writing a shit haiku to prove a point about how shit haikus are!!!!?

A whole movement of 5, 7, 5!!? Imagine if every band influenced by The Ramones played songs that were one minute and forty-seven seconds long and started off every, single, fucking song with “1,2,3,4” and all wore leather jackets and sunglasses? Imagine if a movement of music influenced by The Ramones was called “The Ramones’ Punk Movement” and that was shortened down to “Ramones’ Punk” which then became “Ramoning”? How awful would that have been? “Yeah, we’ve been Ramoning for years. Infact, our major influence was the The Ramones. Yeah, most people think it was the first female Ramoners band, The Simones, but no, it was the Ramones.” Imagine listening to that in an interview? I’d rather listen to Ginsberg arguing for paedophilia, or Ozzy arguing agianst the dilution of media by sub-cultural, segregated, Norse-horse-ranchers in a fictional, alternative universe, much like, lykke, Earth 38 in Infinite Earths? “Um, er Um, like, shit, like, I AM IRON MAN shit, um, yeah, um.” Yeah, I would much rather hear that. Imagine 50 Ramoners (including giants The Simones, The Pomades and Death Monkey Apokalsype) Ramoning Ramones covers in one gig? 50 bands, 3000 songs. All in 6 minutes. 1,2,3,4. 1,2,3,4. 1,2,3,4. Oh Oh Oh Lucy is a punk I’m mean Judy Oh Oh 1,2,3,4 the KKK oh oh 1,2,3,4some obscure Ramones song oh oh to show I am hardcore oh oh!

You would lose your fucking minds.

So I wrote this girl 4 haikus for her birthday. In one of them, I pondered her age, ‘cos I don’t know it.

Twenty-three? Sixteen?
Or forty seven? Eleven?
Nah, it’s twenty-four.

How fucking stupid is that? I should start my own Ramoners, and we could Ramone around the country side, yelling haikus to wondering horse ranchers, while Ramoning each other in the Ramone. Have you ever Ramoned a Simone? Wink wink, nudge nudge. No? well, form fists from both hands and … Scorchio? Jen Cur-cio? Or is it Sur-kio? Wink wink. Or maybe haiku a Ramoner? Is that possible? Would the purist Ramoners allow this breach of basic, Ramoning ideology?

Fuck, I don’t think so.