Chapter 6 - You cannot find peace by avoiding life

‘What does it that matter? How does “didn’t you see it coming” make me feel better? And sure, they may be happier together, she with him, but frankly Sophie, how the fuck dos that make me feel better?’

I was pretty aggressive, I know. Her comment was meant to make me feel better…well, you get it.

‘Sorry Rudy, but in the end, that is the truth ‘cos… .’

Sophie gave me a look of understanding and “you’ll get over it”. We were sitting on her couch, in her newly furnished apartment. Just recently moved my Sophie was, I and was doing the best I could to ruffle her feathers. Splaying the magazines, putting out coasters I wasn’t going to use!

I am a fucking bad-ass.

‘I know it is, but like I said, why do I care about that shit? I don’t wish happiness on them. Now, you remember Claire? Now, I want her to be happy, I really do…’

‘..true, but Claire was fantastic. She was wonderful and just fantastic. Josie, well, I don’t even know what you saw in her to be honest.’

I shrugged. I drove home later on and had dinner with my mums. She was making exceptionally wonderful dinners of late.

‘With you not here, I never eat like this, too much cooking and effort. But now my boy is home.’ Mums smiled and squeezed by cheek. Don’t think she was always so lovely-dubby and we disagreed on many things - I don’t think anybody has quite the same opinion on things than your own mum.

I also quit my job not long after I moved back home. The monotonous monotony of that place was not helping me at all. I know am being dramatic and maybe over the top, but I didn’t feel like doing much really.

So back home, an rather indolent attitude and very little do, I spent a few weeks lazing about in my pyjamas, watching movies and the footy. There was one film in particular that really stirred something I had not felt in years, passion for art. It was called Mutual Appreciation, a low budget, black and white film about relationships and the such. It was fantastic, a little too long and a little too much talking, but it reminded me of my late teens and early adult hood, when I was so enthralled with film and literature and drama, when I went to the theatre and read anything and everything. Sure, I was a little bit of a wanker, but I was so young and hopeful then, so optimistic.

But it wasn’t like I was defeated, not at all. I guess I had to get a job, I had to pay bills and buy a car and clothes and shoes and shoes (I like shoes). I also like spending money, and you gots to have it to spend it, don’t ya? You are not defeated because you have to start working. This is just reality, we need to get serious don’t we?

****

Looking for work was easier than I had hoped, and it wasn’t long before I started in a little café, making coffee for people who had little to no appreciation of it. I missed living in town, but this was a good way to spend a few months I guess. A vacation at home.

****

I have been thinking about travelling again, Rudy has. Maybe South America? Aaah, the romance. Right now, there is nothing for me here. I find that a slow sadness has crept into me. The move home typified how I felt and my inability to deal with my problems, but this small darkness is blurring me. Occasionally at work I get caught just staring blankly over the coffee machine, looking at nothing at all. Some of the guys there think I’m just a quite, thoughtful type, but one of them said I looked like a sad clown the other day

I’m not feeling thoughtful at the moment.